I'm so confused...

So, the boyfriend and I have been on a break. Basically since early May (yes, right before my grandmother passed, don't ya just love his timing??? *rolls eyes*)

I will honestly say that we are both to blame for things getting to the point they are at. Now, we barely communicate, except for him randomly sending me a "just checking on you" email or a random chat conversation. And of course, I always play the angry role because I am upset that he stopped calling like he used to. It's a stupid cycle, and there is a lot of pride involved on both ends.

From the beginning he told me that he had issues - relationship issues, and for good reason. You see, the person he was seeing before me passed away about 3 years ago while they were dating, so he's not quite over that yet. (I know, I seem to be surrounded by a lot of death related situations recently, right? Don't know what it all means, I just have to believe that it's all for some greater purpose.) He claims that this is why he can come across as cold, distant, and uncaring. I can deal with that, except that to me it seems like these are more so personality traits that he has had from birth, lol, and it pisses me off. Actually, for the most part I thought he was doing a descent job at being my boyfriend considering his last relationship. It was like I had separated him into two sides, and the other side of him - the cold side, really got under my skin. But truthfully, I think on my end, I did complain too much and forgot that he really could be just experiencing his "relationship issues" when he was appearing to be cold... or is this all him just bs'ing me and making excuses for being an ass? *scratches head* Anyway, what ends up happening is that I get my feelings hurt by his perceived coldness, especially when what I minimally need from a man is an emotionally supportive individual, especially after the loss of my mother. And I don't think I should accept any less.

Bottom line - he needs understanding from a woman when it comes to his loss, and I need understanding from a man when it comes to mine. Unfortunately, there was a constant clash and we had not found a happy medium.

We do miss each other, and he has plans (which in my pissed off attitude I have been lying and saying there's no point to committing to) to visit me at the end of August (really?? after you've enjoyed your summer? I come way down at the end huh? *rolls eyes again*). I wrestle with the idea of being needy and appearing to like him too much, when he is typically distant and unaffected. He tells me I should try making the effort to fix things by calling him, instead of waiting for him to call me. Ummmm, no! HELLO - chivalry is alive and well on this side of the border. Sorry, but I'm gonna need for him to make the phone call effort. I'll make the effort in accepting his shenanigan behaviorisms (which trust me, will take a LOT of patience on my part). In all fairness, he has made some "efforts" to talk to me, but I saw them as half-assed, and basically rejected them, lol.

And then there's that whole culture issue. Remember, he is a West Indian black man from Barbados (working in Canada) and I am American... and the complexity of that I will have to save for another blog... not today! lol Plus, he has no idea that I'm heading to Namibia for a year in December (well, if he had been calling me he would have known). He does know however, that I have an interest in Africa and living abroad, so it won't be a total shocker when he does eventually find out... teeheeheee ; )

But am I being too stubborn and is there a point where a woman can play too hard to get? Does hard to get even get you anywhere??? And what about just accepting a man for who he is - which is not perfect. Am I expecting a damn good man (who has experienced a traumatic loss) to be perfect and is that setting me up for repeated disappointments? I wish there was an older married black woman (who has been married for years) that I could sit down and ask all these questions of, because I feel like they might actually have some sound advice probably on the patience aspect.. which seems to be the key. It seems to me that black women in marriages that last for years accept a LOT of just "who he is", swallow a LOT of pride, and somehow the marriage works.

Well, the majority of the advice that I have been getting from other women is that I need to leave him alone, move on, focus on myself, and that I will of course meet other people. Keep in mind that these are people who either divorced or single... no offense to them because I did ask - but maybe I should stop asking and follow my own intuition. They don't know him the way I do, and they were not there to witness all the back and forth between him and I. So is their advice really sound? Should I listen to people who just haven't been there? No one knows the connection we had the first time we danced together. It was something I had never experienced with a man. It was dark at a Labor Day reggae party in NYC. There was just a look into the other person's eyes, no words had to be said. Although we had met once months before, something special and totally unexpected happened that night, that I can't seem to shake off. It feels like he is the one.

Times like this I really wish my mother was here for her advice... but then again, based on her life experiences whose to say she would have given me the best answer. Maybe it's best to do what you know is right and just leave the rest to the Universe. I think I'm gonna try to start depending on other people's advice less, relax, and let my life and relationships naturally take their course.